Gleecap: Glee 4x01 - 'The New Rachel' Recap

So you missed Glee tonight? WTF is wrong with you? Unless you've been trapped in a cave for the last 114 days, with no electricity, and now literature, then there's no excuse. Period. We've been practically waiting for forever. Whatever, we're mad. But you're still so hot. So... we'll give you an update anyway.

Rachel is in NYADA. She's got Sue... I mean Cassandra July as a dance instructor. But she sure does have Sue Sylvester tendencies.

The Glee Club is popular now. And JBI gets his season opening interview. We find out Artie sits with Cheerios. Sam is now Taylor Lautner. And Tina has an assistant. Oh yeah, and her "Mike Chang Forever" tattoo is now "Make Change Forever". Sad :(

Rachel misses Lima. But the hot naked boy singing classic rock in the shower... no no NOT Finn... eases her mind immediately. Meet Brody Weston.

Kurt is still in Lima... At McKinley, actually.

Sue has a new baby AND a new head bitch. Robin and Kitty. No, REALLY a new baby, not a bird, named Robin. And a head bitch, not a cat (or female dog for that matter), named Kitty.

Glee is the coolest club in the school. We'll see how long THAT lasts.

Mercedes... I mean Wade "Unique" Adams is now a part of the New Directions. Glee Club is scared, because they're all fighting for the role of "The New Rachel". Tina, Britt, Blaine, and Wade battle it out with a little Call Me Maybe. Artie's the judge. I think Pierce-Chang win. But I'm not Artie.

Kurt works at the Lima Bean. But don't worry, he starts community college next week.

Cassandra's T.A. has a Broadway gig. She loves him. But she's drinking because she's depressed. Actually, we're not really sure why she's drinking. I'm sure that will come out.

Marley wants to join the Glee Club. But everyone's making fun of the larger lunch lady at McKinley. Marley's not stoked.

Queue Marley talking to the lunch lady, and the lunch lady making her a "high class second hand" J. Crew sweater. Her mom's protected the heck out of her rep. Damn bullies.

Cassandra, the drunk she is, is picking on motivating Rachel. She's offended by the accusation that there's alcohol on her breath, so she decides to dance/sing to a hot mash up of Americano/Dance Again. Confusing. Hot nonetheless. Well done, Cassie... you confusing woman, you.

Glee Club is holding auditions. [Insert Season 1 feelings here.] Stoner Brett and De'Wanda tried out. So did Just Jake and Marley. Who do you think makes Glee Club?

Jake's song was Never Say Never by The Fray. Schue cut him off and he got mad. So he threw down the music stand... By the way, Kurt's judging the Glee Club auditions?

Marley's audition song was New York State of Mind. Just so happened that it's the song Rachel was singing during Carmen Tibideaux's class. So... why not make each of their solos happen simulataneously... wouldn't that make it a duet then? I think, something like that. Anyways, both girls killed it.

Glee cuts are made. Marley makes the team. Just Jake, De'wanda and Stoner Brett don't.

Blaine thinks It's Time for Kurt to go to New York.... See what I did there?

The Glee Club keeps bullying the lunch lady. Marley can't take it. So she stands up for her. Turns out... Lunch lady is her mom. (gasp).

Brody catches Rachel looking at pictures of some dude that Rachel calls her boyfriend. He decides to inspire her by letting her know that she's doing great. So... they take a picture -- to the "New Rachel".

Kate Hudson shows off her abs.

Rachel tells her she's going to become the best in her class. Cassandra doesn't think so.

Burt The World's Greatest Dad makes everyone cry when he sends Kurt off to New York. Not surprising. He makes us cry when he did "Single Ladies", of course he'll make us cry during an emotional goodbye. Just so you know... You can always come back. #lifemotto

Sam takes it upon himself to apologize to Marley. Glee club follows closely behind. They apologize for bullying her mama.

Unique and Marley get slushied. Marley takes it like a champ. Unique's eye are set on a blazing fire even though it's ice...

Schue wants to talk about Jake's performance. Funny story, turns out he's Puck's half brother. Puck doesn't know that they're related. Schue wants to take a chance on Little Puck, but since he won't knock the 'tude, Jake says... "uh, nah man."

Marley sends everyone off with a fantastic rendition of Chasing Pavements. She's pretty stellar, if you couldn't gather that from this post... Also, be prepared for more Season 1 feelings ♥

Oh... one final thing. Rachel calls to cry to Kurt, because she's unhappy and overwhelmed. Sounds like she needs a friend... and probably a new roommate. Good thing she turns around and Kurt's right there for her. (With Chasing Pavements playing in the background, you'll basically die. #fairwarning)

And... That's what you missed on Glee.