Glee Quotes

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Season 2 Quotes

Audition | Britney/Brittany | Grilled Cheesus | Duets | The Rocky Horror Glee Show | Never Been Kissed | The Substitute | Special Education | Silly Love Songs | The Comeback | Blame It On The Alcohol | Sexy | A Night of Neglect

Season 3 Quotes

The Purple Piano Project | I Am Unicorn | Asian F | The First Time | Mash-Off | Kissed A Girl

Episode 2x01: "Audition"

Jacob Ben Israel: Rachel, how do you respond to rumors you're incredibly difficult to work with?
Finn: Well, as her boyfriend, I can answer that...
Rachel: We've been dating all summer!
Finn: Rachel's what you'd call a controllist.
Rachel: Uh, I-I'm controlling... Controllist isn't a word. I'm controlling. Performing is my life. And yes, do I have opinions about it? Does my need to constantly express those opinions annoy my fellow Glee clubbers?
Finn: Yes....... That was out loud wasn't it?

JBI: Will Schuester, how do you respond to a recent post on my blog saying your Glee club song selections sound like they come from a drag queen's ipod?
Will: Well, I try to do something for everybody. 25% show tunes, 25% hip hop, 25% classic rock...
JBI: 100% Gay!

JBI: How was your summer?
Santana: My eyes are up here Jew fro... and it was uneventful.
Brittany: People thought I went on vacation, but actually I spent the summer lost in the sewers.

JBI: What can you say about the rumors that the two of you are dating?
Tina: Because we're both Asian? That's racist!
Mike: Totally racist!
(walk off holding hands together)
JBI: Did you get that?! You saw it here first!

Sue: Hey! Why so glum, William? Cat crap in your coffee? Or are you worried that no one's signing up for your little club there?

Sue: See this? It's a court summons. Child endangerment. See there's been a line of wimpy Cheerios out there since late July. I guess they lost their humanity a little bit. One girl ate a pigeon. Several others started worshiping a opossum carcass as their Lord. That's how much they want to be Cheerios.

Sue: I like being friends with you Will. This is fun. You make not trying to destroy Glee Club easy. You know why? 'Cuz you're doing such a bang up job of it all by yourself!

Sue: Cut my budget? You can't cut my budget without written consent from the president of the Federal Reserve! It's in my contract!
Figgins: Oh Sue, I think you can manage a sixth national title without two confetti cannons!
Sue: Think your kids can manage life without their daddy?

Sue: Who's this? (Points at Beiste, without looking at her.)
Beiste: I'm Shannon Beiste, I'm the new football coach. Spelled B-E-I-S-T-E. It's French.
Will: I'm sorry, what happened to Ken Tanaka?
Figgins: Nervous breakdown.

Sue: First of all: Female football coach, like a male nurse. Sin against nature. Number 2. I'm sure you're used to hillbilly parents yelping adulation at you as they attempt to impregnate the tailpipes of various off-road vehicles, but you're in my house now Beiste. No one comes into my house and steals from me...
Beiste: Do NOT get up in the panther's business lady... you're all coffee and NO omelet.
Sue: That doesn't even make any sense.

Beiste: That's a steer with six teets and no oink! (Makes squealing sound.)
Sue: That doesn't make any sense.
Will: What?

Will: These are comments from Jacob Ben Israel's most recent Glee Club blog. "Glee is a giant ball of suck."

Finn: Yeah, I'm with Rachel on this one.
Brittany: Gross.

Will: Hey Sue, can I talk to you for a second?
Sue: Sure buddy, you look steamed!
Will: Those kids went out and really tried to show what Glee Club is all about... and how does the school repay them?! Be defacing the sign up sheet! "Buttface McBallnuts", "Assperham Lin-colon". They're not even funny!
Sue: Now, don't be rude William, I put a lot of thought into those...

Finn: I was really excited about my Glee Club recruit poster design. I made it super masculine, just like these pamphlets I saw some Army guys passing out at the Day Care Center.

Rachel: Well, hello. I couldn't help but notice you admiring me yesterday in the court yard.
Sunshine: Um... what?
Rachel: Oh, you don't speak English... YOU LIKE ME SING! YOU LIKE ME SING VERY MUCH!
Sunshine: Um, I totally speak English.
Rachel: I even did a little research on you. You're a foreign exchange student, named Sunshine Corazone, because you're from the Philippines where it's sunny every day!
Sunshine: Except for the monsoons?
Rachel: Listen Sunshine, we need chorus members. People to stand behind me to stare at me with wet, moved eyes, while I sing solos. So, I ENCOURAGE YOU TO AUDITION FOR GLEE CLUB! GLEE CLUB IS FUN! SWAYING IN BACKGROUND CAN BE FUN!
Sunshine: Thank you...

Artie: I figure if Kurt's gay and he can do it, why can't I?
Finn: Being gay isn't a handicap, Artie. How can you play football in a wheelchair anyway?
Tina: I think you're great Artie, but you're a terrible boyfriend! You ignored me for weeks this summer!
Artie: I was playing a marathon round of Halo, woman!
Tina: And then when we did get together, all you wanted to do was watch "Coming Home" over and over. Mike tries to be into what I'm into. Like his abs.

Puck: Dude, your mouth is huge. How many tennis balls can you fit in there?
Sam: I don't know, I've never had any balls in my mouth. Have you?
Finn (to Artie): I like this kid...
Artie: I like his confidence, but the Beiber cut's got to go.
Puck: So, can you sing with that big mouth?

Mercedes: Sooo... is that a men's sweater?
Kurt: Fashion has no gender.
Rachel: Ladies, we have a problem. We have a new student in this school named Sunshine, who is a Filipino, and is shorter than me. Which I didn't think was possible and is very unnerving...
Mercedes: Ok... sooo, I'm going to go now.
Rachel: Wait! And... she has a remarkable voice. I'm just... I'm very worried. You know, not-not for myself, but for my lesser Glee Clubbers who don't get as many solos. So, I've paid $100 to Ezemio and Karofsky to brutally slushie us in front of Sunshine's locker, terrifying her, and ensuring she doesn't sign up... Ok, so this is the part that you're supposed to be hugging me and thanking me!

Puck: So you know why Helen Keller couldn't drive, right? 'Cuz she was a woman!.... Coach Beiste? Are you crying?
Beiste: Yeah! Saw your stats from last season and it really hurt my feelin's.

Becky: Oh my gosh coach.
Will: Wait, you're serious? Finn?
Sue: My eyes are still burning...
Becky: Am I dreaming? Is this happening?
Finn: Coach Beiste kicked me off the football team. I'm not the quarterback anymore, which means I'm nothing. I miss being popular.
Becky: This is really embarrassing.

Beiste: I'm the captain of the USS Kickass, not the USS Backtalk.

Sue: A little birdie told me that someone spent her summer vacation getting a brand new set of melons, even though you know I have a very strict no plastics policy in Cheerios. Care to comment?
Santana: I just-
Sue: What would possess a person your age to get a boob job? You don't even know what your body's gonna look like. It's an insult to nature. And completely distracting. I can't take my eyes off them. I'm actually talking to them right now.
Santana: I wanted people to notice me more. I don't get what the big deal is.
Sue: Well the big deal is a person who has to pump her nonnies full of gravy to feel good about herself clearly doesn't have the self esteem to be my head cheerleader. Quinn will replace you.
Santana: What d- wha... uh.
Sue: Oh, and Boobs McGee... you're demoted to the bottom of the pyramid. So when it collapses, your exploding sand bags will protect the squad from injury. Now take your juicy, vine-ripen chest fruit, and get the hell out of my office.

Santana: You did this to me. You told Coach Sylvester about my summer surgery!
Quinn: You have a surgery when you get your appendix taken out. You. Had. A Boob. Job!
Santana: Yep, sure did! (Slaps Quinn in the face.)
Quinn: You can't hit me!
Santana: Well sure I can, unless you got yourself knocked up again, slut.
Brittany: Stop the violence!
Will: Hey, hey, hey, hey! What is this?! What happened to us being a family? Hey!
Santana: Oh, pleeease. She has a family... She's a mooother!
Quinn: Walk away... And tighten up your pony before you get to class!

Brittany: I made it up. Coach Beiste didn't touch my boobs. Actually, I really wanted to touch her boobs.

Will: Tell me this isn't true, Rachel.
Tina: She could have died.
Rachel: Look, I didn't send her to an active crack house. Besides, how did you guys find out anyways?
Mike: The Asian community is very tight.
Will: I just don't get it. You're better than this!
Tina: No, she's an ambitious little freak who will do anything to hold on to her power.

Rachel: I'm sorry for sending you to that crack house.
Sunshine: They stole my sheet music and used it for toilet paper.

Sue: William. Beiste. I wanted to make a peace offering with a batch of warm, homemade cookies.
Beiste: Oh, those smell like dog poop... Are those dog poop cookies?!
Sue: No... That's the flaxede oil you're smelling. These are heart healthy cookies for some of our burlier Americans.
Will: Sue, we're not going to do this anymore.
Sue: Are you turning on me? In public? The two of you are making a very serious mistake today. The likes of which have not been seen since the Mexican Indians sold Manhattan to George Washington for an upskirt photo of Betsey Ross.

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Episode 2x02: "Britney/Brittany"

Santana (To Rachel):
Hey dwarf, anyone ever tell you that you dress like one of the bait girls on To Catch A Predator?
Brittany: Also, I'm more talented than you.

Brittany: I'm more talented than all of you. I see that clearly now. It's Brittany...bitch.

Santana: Well Rachel congratulations. Normally you dress like the fantasy of a perverted Japanese businessman with a very dark, specific fetish but I actually dig this look. Yaaaay!

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Episode 2x03: "Grilled Cheesus"

Quinn: I've had a really hard year and I turn to God a lot for help and I wouldn't mind saying thanks.
Santana: Thanks for what? That it didn't come out a lizard baby?
Brittany: Whenever I pray, I fall asleep.

Santana: Hey Kurt, we're really sorry about your dad's heart attack.
Brittany: Yea, I did a book report on heart attacks if you want to give it to the doctor. I got knocked down an entire letter grade 'cuz it was written in crayon.
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Episode 2x04: "Duets"

Santana: Um, I'm sorry. Have you been to Breadstix? They are legally forbidden to stop bringing you breadsticks. One time I brought a wheelbarrow and when the manager tried to stop me from filling it up, I called the corporate office and got her fired.

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Episode 2x05: "The Rocky Horror Glee Show"

Kurt: So what are you going to be for Halloween this year?
Brittany: I'm going as a peanut allergy.

Will: And I thought Kurt could play the role of Frank-N-Furter.
Kurt: No..there is no way I'm playing a transvestite in high heels..and fishnets..and wearing lipstick.
Santana: Why? Cuz that look was last season?

Will: Now we're a little short on female roles, so, we're gonna have to double up on Columbia's and Magenta's.
Rachel: It's standard practice on broadway, it'll preserve your voices.
Mercedes: I'd like to preserve you. In a jar. In my basement.

Sue: Thanks Rod. You know Halloween is fast approaching. The day when parents encourage their little boys to dress like little girls and little girls to dress like whores. And go door to door brow-beating hardworking Americans into giving them free food. Well you know what Western Ohio, we've lost the true meaning of Halloween: fear. Halloween is that magical day of the year when a child is told their grandmother's a demon who's been feeding them rat casserole with a crunchy garnish of their own scabs. Children must know fear. Without it they wont' know how to behave. They'll try frenching the grizzly bears or considers living in Florida. So mom's, skip trick or treating this year and instead sit your little toddler down and explain that daddy's a hungry zombie and before he went out to sharpen his pitch fork, he whispered to mommy that you look delicious. And that's how Sue, c's it.

Santana: Ohh, I cannot wait 'til Finn takes his top off so we can all see the hot mess underneath.
Finn: What are you talkin' about?
Brittany: You can't have sloppy joe's everyday for lunch and think you can get away with it.

Santana: Yea, earlier today, Artie asked if he could make a gigantic omelet when I'm done with the ostrich eggs I'm smuggling in my bra.
Brittany: I'm super looking forward to seeing Sam in his gold bikini.
Sam: It's gonna be ab-ulous.

(Emma and Carl looking at a leather outfit and feather boa)
Carl: Yea that's cute, that's cute. Look at this..see..I'm gonna have to squeeze into this! They were outta the latex panties so I got the see-through. See?
Sue: Take your sick, perverted sex games outta this school!
Emma: No, no Sue this is not what it looks like - this is…
Sue: I shoulda known. People who dress like librarians all sex addicts.

Carl: Well, you guys have a hole to fill and I'm just trying to help fill it.
Santana: Wanky.

(Sam shows up in his gold outfit)
Sam: Um also, Miss Pillsbury, is there a way I could..wear like..some gold board shorts or something? These are really short, I'm afraid I'm gonna show off some nuttage.

Becky (to Will): Get me some chocolate..or I will cut you.

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Episode 2x06: "Never Been Kissed"

Will: Puck, I hope your time in juvie has taught you a lesson or two about right and wrong.
Puck: Are you kidding me? I ruled that place. All I did was crack skulls and lift weights all day.
Quinn: Wow, what a catch..can't believe I ever let you go.

Will: And now, drum roll Finn…(Finn drum rolls) because I have in my hand, our competition for Sectionals next month! First, the a cappella choir from the all boys private school in Westerville, the Dalton Academy Warblers.
Santana: Oookay, hold up, like a million awesome gay jokes just popped into my head.
Will: And the other team to beat, the Hipsters, a first year club from the Warren Township continuing education program. Now, they are a Glee club composed entirely of elderly people getting their high school GEDs.
Rachel: Is that legal?
Mercedes: How are we supposed to compete against a bunch of adorable old people?
Puck: Are you kidding? Brittle bones. Give one of those old ladies a 'good luck' pat on the rear, it'll shatter her pelvis.

Puck: I got outta juvie early because I agreed to do community service and I ain't pickin' up trash along the freeway, that's ghetto. So I told my probey officer that I knew a crippled that needed some help and she went for it.
Artie: I'm your community service?
Puck: There's no way I'm going back to juvie. There's no chicks and no kosher meal options up in that place.
Artie: Cool, so we're like…friends?
Puck: Whoa, slow down Professor X. I never said anything about liking you. Now shut up right quick, we're gonna steal some food from the cafeteria. This chair's a great place for hiding stuff.

Will: Look, I'm not tossing the baby out with the bathwater here.
Brittany: I've totally done that.

Quinn: I know what I heard. There we were, making out and he said it: Beiste. I think he was picturing making out with her.
Sue: That is the most horrific image I can imagine.
Quinn: Coach, I need help. I've done everything I can to rehabilitate my image. I'm getting straight A's, dating the cutest guy at school...
Sue: Who would rather be dry humping she-hulk. Oh dear God, why did I say that? Now that's what I'm picturing. You know what kind of disgusting images I'm gonna have to look at to get this outta my head? I'm gonna have to go straight to the wound care center. I'm gonna have to stare at some wounds.
Quinn: Coach, I really don't know what to do.
Sue: Wait... this may be the opportunity I've been waiting for. A way to get Beiste outta this school and your Macaulay Culkin stunt double back in your arms.
Quinn: What do I have to do?
Sue: We need to go public with your pain. Get people talking about this, make Beiste into the next Mary Kay Letourneau. And you need to give him a piece of your mind. Loud and in public. Show him who's the boss., now I'm picturing the two of them making out during an episode of 'Who's the Boss?'.

Artie: Holy crap, there's like 300 bucks in here!
Puck: Yea, you can't really put a dollar amount on the value of talent plus fear.
Artie: I can. It's..about 300 bucks. What are we gonna do with it?
Puck: Buy a buttload of clove cigarettes, then... I dunno.

Santana: So, how does it feel to be a free man?
Artie: All I can say is that I don't want a long term relationship with either of you. Especially Brittany since I'm not in love with her.
Brittany: Do you guys wanna go out to dinner tonight?
Puck: Not really.
Santana: Oh...
Puck: Tell you what... you two show up at Breadstix tomorrow night around 7 and if we don't find hotter chicks to date tonight, we might show up.
Santana: You are totally cool.
Brittany: Awesome.

Puck: So there I was, at juvie, in the breakfast line in the mess hall, when I noticed me and the guy behind me going for the same waffle. This guy's 6'11, 300 easy... he's got his teeth filed into canines, tats everywhere. Oh, it gets better. So I turn around, I flex my left peck and I flex my right peck and I say to the guy, ' Eggo...' And you know what he does? He let's go of my Eggo!
Artie: That's right!
Santana: You should be our nation's president.

Brittany (to Artie):
I've been squeezing your leg for like the last hour and a half, are you not attracted to me?(After finding out that Beiste was "fired")
Will: Wait what?
Sue: Well actually she quit but I'll take the W.
Will: Wait, Coach Beiste quit?
Sue: I believe I just said that Annie Sullivan. You want me to sign it into your palm?

Will: Well, I genuinely hope you guys are happy because Coach Beiste has quit.
Finn: Wait, what? That's terrible.
Sam: Yea, that's not what we want.Artie: That's the opposite of what we want! The football team was actually winning.
Will: Well then you better put your heads together and find a way to get her back, fast because I am actually ashamed of you. You really hurt someone who is a great addition to this school.
Rachel: I'm sorry, what exactly did we do?
Finn: No, it's us, the boys.
Mike: ...and Tina.

Santana: Can I just say that this is what happens when people don't put out. If everyone just put out, we would have a winning football team.

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Episode 2x07: "The Substitute"

Brittany: Mr. Schue taught me the second half of the alphabet. I stopped after M and N. I felt they were too similar and got frustrated.

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Episode 2x09: "Special Education"

Quinn (To Rachel): You used to be just sort of unlikeable, but now I pretty much feel like punching you every time you open your mouth.

Rachel (To Finn): Do you think she's prettier than me?
Emma: Don't answer that!

Emma: Aren't there some great songs about betrayal or something? I'm pretty sure there are some Eagles songs.

Rachel: As a therapist, is it productive for me to slap him right now?
Emma: Well I'm not a therapist, but no. Um... Maybe you should storm out.

Brittany: I'm paralyzed with fear. I've been here since second period. I really, really have to pee.
Artie: What are you afraid of? You're going to be featured in Sectionals. You should be happy.
Brittany: I can't handle the pressure. I know I'm more talented than all of you. Brittany Spears taught me that. It's just, I can't have whether we win or lose on my shoulders.
Artie: But we all know you can do it.
Brittany: And I know that I can't. Just like I know the cricket that reads to me at night is totally stealing my jewelry.

Brittany: Please, can I have the magic comb?

Brittany: If we lose we should throw opossums.

Puck: Buddha! Allah! Satan! Help me!

Puck: Are you an angel?
Lauren: Screw you.

Lauren: Here are my conditions: A carton of Cadbury Eggs, good luck finding them, they're not in season. And 7 minutes in Heaven. With you.

Rachel: Then go down to 7-11 and get some. I NEED RAISINETTES!
Kurt: Carb loading?
Rachel: Puck got Lauren Zizes to take your place, and she won't go on unless she gets her damn candy! She's a... warm body...

Puck: Are you ok?
Rachel: Why are you talking to me. Are you going to steal something from me?
Puck: Look after 6 hours in that porta-John, Ozzie himself would have turned to God. I prayed. I told him if he got me out of there I would start being nicer to people. Then I realized there was no way I could do that, so I changed it... to just Jews.

Tina: We have a big problem.
Artie: Is the problem your outfit? Because you look like a cheerleader zombie corps.
Tina: I have no choice. Mike Chang likes cheerleaders. You of all people should know. He's having an affair with Brittany.
Artie: Whaaat? You crazy.
Tina: You haven't noticed her ignoring you lately?
Artie: Not really, it's Shark Week.

Lauren: These costumes are causing some unmentionable chaffing.

Sam: Are you ok?
Quinn: No. I'm totally freaking out. Last time we performed in front of an audience, I went into labor. I think I'm having post-traumatic stress disorder.

Artie: Just tell me why would you cheat on me.
Brittany: I don't know. Why would I cheat on you? Is this like a mad lib or something.
Artie: You cheated on me with Mike. You admitted it to me in the green room.
Brittany: When?!
Artie: When I was accusing you of adultery.
Brittany: What does that have to do with me cheating?
Artie: Adultery means cheating.
Brittany: I thought it meant being stupid. Like being a dolt. I didn't cheat on you. I did something much worse... I lost your magic comb. I don't know what happened. I had it in my pocket, and then I went to motocross practice, and then when I left it was gone. That's why I've been avoiding you, I was so ashamed. That magic comb was our only chance at winning. The only thing keeping me from totally screwing it up. I didn't want to let you down.
Artie: That wasn't a magic comb. I just found it on the floor and ran into you on the way to tossing it in the trash.
Brittany: And you let me comb my hair with it?

(Lauren is doing pushups.)
Puck: What are you doing?
Lauren: I'm a wrestler. This is how I get psyched up for competition.
Puck: Listen, you don't have to be nervous. You saved my life. I got your back.
Lauren: Ha. I'm not nervous. You know why?
Puck: Why?
Lauren: Because show choir's stupid.

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Episode 2x12: "Silly Love Songs"

Will: I have one word for you...
Brittany: Is it love? Totally gonna graduate now!

Brittany: That's my man and his legs don't work!

Santana: Hello Lauren. You're a beautiful person.
Lauren: Thank you.
Santana: Now get out of my way please, afores I ends you!

Santana: I'm from a part of town called Lima Heights Adjacent. Ya know where that is, Poppin' Fresh? It's on the wrong side of the tracks.
(Lauren kicks Santana's ass)
Santana: That's how we do it in Lima Heights!
(Beiste throws Santana over her shoulder and carries her to the nurse.)

Santana (Monologue): Ugh gross. How is this possible? I'm the hottest piece of action at this school and here I am on Valentine's single. Ugh, whatever. I'll just marry an NFL player. They're super reliable. Wait...that's weird. Quinn's wearing her Queen Bitch look and Finn only wears that gassy infant look when he feels guilty about something. Holy sweet hell! They're fooling around! I know what cheating looks like, I do it all the time! Huh, well I think it's time to do what Santana does best...revenge.

Santana: Please, I've had mono so many times it turned into stereo.

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Episode 2x13: "The Comeback"

Sam: This morning I woke up and decided to swallow the sun. It's my James Earl Jones impression.
Santana: First of all that is offensive. He shot Martin Luther King.
Sam: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Santana: Okay, you know what let's just cut to the chase - despite the fact that your mouth to face ratio is like....way off, you still somehow manage to be cute. But make no mistake, every time you open your humongous mouth to do an impression or moisten an enormous stamp for a lazy giant, you take one step closer to everyone seeing that you are actually a dork. Which is where I come in. I hereby offer my services as a mistress. I wants on them froggy lips and I wants on 'em now.
Sam: But I'm dating Quinn.
Santana: And this just in, she cheated on you.
Sam: No she didn't.
Santana: Okay look..I know you're dumb as a bag of wet hair but you know in your heart that she's lying. That gumball story was insane. You're choosing to believe it so you can still be with her. But consider my offer, not only am I giving you full visitation rights to the set of rambunctious twins that live on my ribcage, you get the chance to show that pastry bag Finn that he can't mess with Sam Evans. And not just because you can unlock your humongous jaw and swallow him whole like a python but because you have some buzz at this school. Think about it.

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Episode 2x14: "Blame It on the Alcohol"

Figgins: Just listen to the radio. Pop music now glorifies binge drinking. Just listen to any hit by pop sensation by Key 'Dollar-Sign' Ha.
Will: You mean Ke$ha?

Sue: You know Ella, I think Will should really concentrate on his treatment before he tries another relationship with an early hominid, even a human female.
Will: Treatment?
Sue: Alcoholics Anonymous, Will. I suggest you preemptively check into rehab as you are a future alcoholic.

Sue: News flash Emelda. There's no one lining up to coach Glee Clubs, because it's a sucky job for losers. But there was an opening. And I am a champion.

Rachel: You're so right. I mean, even now, it's alcohol awareness week and we're supposed to sing about the dangers of drinking and I've never even had a drink.
Finn: Wait, seriously? That's why I never got past second base.

Mercedes: You're going right?
Santana: Only if there's liquor, because a Rachel Berry party is not something I can do sober.
Brittany: But it's alcohol awareness week.
Santana: Precisely. And I'm aware of how much fun alcohol is.

Finn: Kurt's been blackmailing me ever since he saw my browser history. He kind of insisted on coming.

Rachel: Let's go over the rules. Everybody gets two drink tickets to keep things from getting out of hand. We are serving wine-coolers today. That is our specialty drink. It's actually all we have.

Finn: Since this is your first time at this, I'm gonna break it down for you. Guys and girls fall into certain archetypes when they get drunk. Exhibit A: Santana, the weepy hysterical drunk.
Santana (Crying): You like her more than me! She's blonde and awesome and so smart! Admit it! Just admit it! NO! Kiss me!
Finn: Lauren Zizes and Quinn. The angry girl drunks.
Quinn (To Puck): I can't believe what you did to my body. I used to have abs!
Lauren (To Puck): Who told you that hair style was cool? Geronimo?
Puck: Chill out!
Finn: Brittany. Also known as "the girl who turns into a stripper drunk."
Artie (Throwing dolla billz at Brittany, who is stripping): Makin' it raaaain! Woooo! That's my girlfriend! I love you baby!

Santana: You know what? A reminder: I owns that guppy mouth. Those trouty Aerosmith lips belong to me. So..
(Brittany and Sam Kiss)
Santana: Uh uh! You know what? This is not... Hey hunnies! It's not a Big Red Commercial. No Me Gusta.

Rachel: Blaine Warbler. I'm gonna Rock. Your. World.
(Rachel and Blaine Kiss)
Rachel: Your face taste awesome.

Santana: I've been dry heaving all weekend. And when my mother asked what the sound was, I said that I was practicing bird calls.

Rachel: Mr. Schue? First of all that vest is very cute. You are all kinds of awesome. But second, maybe there's really no songs about the dangers of drinking because there's really none as long as you have a proper designated driver. (To Mike Chang) Have I ever told you how great you are?
Will: Well Rachel, yeah, driving drunk is dangerous. And have you guys ever heard of alcohol poinsoning? It kills about 400 person every year. Santana, are you, are you crying?
Santana (Crying): I'm ok. I'm ok!

Beiste: You ain't lived til you seen me in a cowboy haaaat! Ba der der!

Rachel (To Blaine): You're such a cutie pie with your blazer and your pants.

Kurt: And I'm doing you a favor by telling you that Blaine is the first of a long line of conflicted men that you will date that will later turn out to be only the most flaming of homosexuals.
Rachel: Blaine and I have a lot in common.
Kurt: A sentiment expressed by many a hag about many a gay! Look, I don't doubt that you and Blaine would have jolly good time shoppingat Burbury and arguing who would make the better rum tum tugger. I don't dispute that!

Will (While Grading Papers): Yaaaay, happy face! (Draws happy face on paper) Valiant Effort! (Gives A+) You get an A+! That's just how I roll! (Writes "Nice Try" on the paper) I don't even know who you are!

Will: Sue, I do not have a drinking problem!
Sue: Really, then what's with the Cory Hart imitation?

Figgins: Unfortunately, Katie Dukakis could not be here because of disinterest...

Rachel: Never fear teammates. Now it's a Broadway tradition for nervous performers to take a shot of whiskey before going on to calm their nerves and to mask the stench of bad dental hygiene. In that tradition, I've mixed us a playful showbiz cocktail of what was left in my dads' liquor cabinet. There's some brandy and vermouth and port wine and scotch in here, and also a little bit of Kool-Aid and some crumbled up Oreos.
Santana: Oh my God, this taste like cough syrup.
Rachel: There's also cough syrup. Cheers!

Figgins: And performing the hit single "Tik" and also "Tok" by rapper Key 'Dollar-Sign' Ha: the New Directions!

Sue: Students. Colleagues. Indeed all who understand the Queen's English. We all still quake in terror at what we witnessed yesterday at the assembly, by a Glee Club spiraling out of control. My nose is still filled with the acrid stench of teen vomit. And there is simply only one person to blame: The alcoholic teen vomit fetishist, Will Schuester, the director of that club.

Santana: Oh you're one to talk. How 'bout you crack a Four Loko Count Boozie von Drunkaton.

Quinn: There's a fair amount of pot calling the kettle black right now.
Brittany (To Mercedes): That is so racist.

Santana: But if you don't drink, what will you have to live for?

Rachel: Are you kidding? That was amazing. I am speechless. I just had a relationship with a guy that turned out to be gay! That is song writing gold!

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Episode 2x15: "Sexy"

Emma: Yes, and I have to say I am very inspired that both of you are showing how celibacy is a viable option for teens who simply aren't ready for intimacy. And for those who are older and are terrified of the hose monster!

Emma: No, no, no why be curious? No. Wait to have relations until you're comfortable. Right? Maybe til your honeymoon. I don't know, maybe even later. Celibacy ladies! Dig it!

Emma: I'm just so disappointed.
Will: Why? I thought you wanted the chastity charms to catch on.
Emma: I did until I realized they were wearing the chastity charms as clip-on nipple rings.

Will: Holly! What are you doing here?!
Holly: Subbing! The health and wellness teacher is out with a mad case of the herp. Yikers!

Emma: That doesn't make it ok. And it shouldn't change the message that they get from us which is that this is serious stuff. And is not for kids, and is not for adults!
Holly: Ok well, I think that's a little naive. Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to have craaazyyy sex because I'm craaazyyy informed about it!

Lauren: Congratulations!
Artie: For what?
Lauren: Oh you didn't hear? Your girlfriend's prego! You're gonna be a baby daddy!

Will: Wait, Brittany, are you pregnant?
Brittany: Definitely. I'm so sorry Artie. I didn't want to upset you. I thought I could surprise you when I dropped him off. I'm pretty sure it's a boy.
Puck: Um, babies don't get dropped off.
Will: Wait, Brittany have you been to a doctor yet? You know that's the only way to be sure.
Brittany: I don't need to go to a doctor. I just need to look outside my window. Three days ago a stork built its nest on top of my garage. I'm not stupid. It's obviously getting ready to bring me my baby. I know where babies come from.

Holly: Ok. So. Sex: It's just like hugging, only wetter.
Artie: Yeah it is!
Holly: Ok, so let's start with the basics. Finn? Is it true that you thought you got your girlfriend pregnant via hot tub?
Finn: I have always been dubious.
Holly: And Brittany? You think that storks bring babies?
Brittany: I get my information from Woody Woodpecker cartoons.

Holly: So, just remember whenever you have sex with someone you're having sex with everyone that they've had sex with. And everybody's got a random.

Lauren: Rachel Berry wants to be a famous singer. I just want to be famous. Doing that number for glee club was my first step towards being a star. I want to be like a Kardashian. I want a TV show and a fragrance. It will be called Zizes. And the slogan will be "You just got Zized."

Santana: Which isn't cheating because...?
Brittany: The plumming's different.
Santana: Mmhmm.
Brittany: But when Artie and I are together we talk about stuff like feelings.
Santana: Why?
Brittany: Because with feelings its better.
Santana: Are you kidding? Its better when it doesn't involve feelings. I think it's better when it doesn't involve eye contact.

Santana: Breakfast is confusing for you.
Brittany: Well Sometimes it's sweet and sometimes it's salty. Like, what if I have eggs for dinner? Then what is it?

Puck: Those linens are incredible.
Lauren: I know, is that Egyptian cotton?
Puck: Why do they keep editing all this vacation and plane stuff?
Lauren: It classes it up.
Puck: If I want to see Kim Kardashian being classy I'll watch E!
Lauren: Aahahe! Touch me!
(High Fives Puck)

Puck: Lauren and I are going to make a sex tape.
Lauren: So I can get a recording contract.

Lauren: Easy to be comfortable when you look this good. Ya know what I mean?
Holly: Agreed.

Holly: My sex tape with J.D. Salinger was a disaster!

Brittany: So, why are we sitting on the floor?
Holly: Because we're in Japan.

Santana: Yeah, I mean who knows? I'm attracted to girls and I'm attracted to guys. I made out with a mannequin. I even had a sex dream about a shrub that was just in the shape of a person.
Holly: Well, we've all been there.

Rachel: Can I just applaud this trio for exploring the uncharted world of saphhic charm? Brava. Brava.

Emma: Before we being I would like to start by congratulating you by reminding you not one member of this club has had an unwanted pregnancy in almost a year! You get tensies for menzies!

Holly: Hi, um Holly here. So, um, I'm a little confused. Isn't this a strange song for the uh celebacy club to sing?
Emma: But why? It's so wholesome! It was written during the bicentennial to celebrate America and fireworks and-
Holly: Nooo. It's about sneaking out for a nooner.
Emma: Yes, exactly! A nooner is when you have dessert in the middle of the day, right? Right Carl?

Emma: Afternoon Delight is a dessert. It's made with coconut, and pineapple, and marshmallow fluff.

Carl: We've been married four months and we still haven't done the deed.
Holly: Girlfriend, what is up with that?! He's hot! You're thirty...

Emma: We watch the housewives shows, which are so so racy. They're racy!

Carl: Thank you, doctor.
Holly: Not a doctor!
Emma: Will you please please not tell Will about this?
Holly: No. Of course not. Of course not. My lips are sealed.
Emma: Thank you.
Holly: Just like your legs. OH! Ha! Kidding! God, that was rude! Why did I say that?! See a real doctor would never have said that! Whew!

Santana: And Brittany, I can't go to an Indigo Girls concert. I just cant.
Brittany: I understand that.

Lauren: Nerd!
Puck: Woah! Why you gotta hate?
Lauren: You joined the celibacy club?
Puck: What the hell? I thought you and me were an item! Lauren, stop. I need to talk to you about something. I realized something lately. I do a lot of stupid things. Once on a dare, I swallowed a thumb tack. And I'm about 90% sure that it's still in there. I don't think about consequences. And while I used to think that made me cool, now I just think it just makes me a loser. I like ya Lauren. I like wooing you. Next to dropping my afternoon deuce it's my favorite part of the day. So I'm making a change. And if that makes me a nerd. Fine.
Lauren: I really do have the urge to punch you.
(Lauren grabs Puck's face and kisses him)
Lauren: If we can play footsie in celibacy club, I'm in. Nerd!
(Pushes Puck away and throws hands up in the air).

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Episode 2x17: "A Night of Neglect"

Santana: First of all, anything you do became my business when you decided to toss that slushy all up in my grill.
Karofsky: I think I can take a couple of queers and a girl.
Santana: Huh..okay, see here's what's gonna go down. Two choices: you stay here and I crack one of your nuts, right or left, that's your choice or you walk away and live to be a douchebag another day. Oh, and also, I have razor blades hidden my hair. Mmhmm... tons. Just all up in there.
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Episode 3x01: "The Purple Piano Project"

JBI: Finn Hudson - mediocre quarterback, mediocre Glee Club lead - What do you want to be when you grow up?

Mike: My mom still hasn't decided if I'm going to Harvard or Stanford yet...
JBI: I thought you were a senior.
Artie: Optical Illusion. Chair adds a year.

JBI: Twitter says you're officially dating Sam Evans, AKA Trouty Mouth, AKA Hobo McBeiber.
Mercedes: Honey, that is so June... Yes, Sam and I dated, but his dad got a job out of state. But I'm gonna give you an exclusive. There's a new man in Mercedes'life now, and he's my future plans.
Shane: I'm not only your future plans baby, you're gonna be a star. And when you graduate and win that first Grammy, we're gonna make beautiful cocoa babies.
Mercedes: Ooh baby, how you talk!

Santana: Senior year is all about being the Cheerio's top hoe... And modeling my fierceness after my numero uno latina, Paula Abdul.
JBI: Paula Abdul is an Arab.

JBI: Hey, Brittany. What are your plans for the future?
Brittany: Wait... are you working on a time machine, too?

Brittany: I was sure that our Nationals trophy would grow over the summer...

Kurt: Mercedes has a point. Finn and Rachel's "The Kiss that Missed" already has 20,000 views on YouTube. And the comment section is full of pithy banter like 'Why is the T-Rex eatin' the Jew?!'

Zizes: What we had was hot. That's the debacle of Nationals. The Glee Club is not in my cool factor. Can't withstand it, alright? My rep is in free fall. Don't be sad. We'll always have Subway.

Puck: She's the one that got away. Really really slowly.

Emma: You could go and check out the competish! Yay! Yay college!

Sue: I thought that people wanted a candidate that was FOR something. That's why I took that pro deportation stance. But the people are angry. They want a candidate... that's AGAINST something.
Becky: What about toast? Bread's always been baked. I don't get why you need to cook it again...(Mike & Tina in the hallway. Tina plays Chopsticks. Mike Dances.)
Sue (Destroying the Piano): Oh I'm sorry! I just realized that song might be the national anthem to whatever country you're from!
Mike: That's really offensive.
Sue: You know, I was really humbled when your Glee club made my sister's funeral so very touching. In fact, I was so moved, that I have spent the entire year being NOTHING but kind to you.
Tina: Today's only the second day of school...

Sue: I have no idea who you are.
Nancy: I'm Nancy Bletheim. I teach geometry. I have been teaching here for 42 years.
Sue: So awkward...

Quinn (Voiceover): We call ourselves the skanks.
Sheila: I'm Sheila.
Ronnie: I'm Ronnie.
Mac: They call me the mac because I like to make out with truckers at the rest stop. It's kind of a double meaning thing.
Sheila: I once ate cat poop.

Rachel: Hey Quinn. Hello. Skanks.
Ronnie: Your friend stinks of soap, Quinn.

Rachel: It's gonna be a tribute to the Go Gos! Who doesn't love the Go Gos?!
Sheila: I prefer the Bengals...
Rachel: Okay...

Sue: Ladies, I put plastic on your chairs in anticipation of this announcement. So feel free to wet yourselves with excitement. You are my Cheerio Co-Captains.
Becky: WHAT?!
Santana: Wait... Co-Captains?! With... No, no way. Uh uh..
Becky: I can't work with her!
Santana: Nah, nah, nah. See let me tell you how it's gon' be... if I may. When I look at a person I don't see someone who looks a certain way or has this or that amount of chromosomes, I just see someone who I may or may not have to destroy. So if you EVER tell me what to do, I will end you!
Becky: Bring it, Sandbags!
Sue: Ladies... I am aroused.

Brittany: I have pepperoni in my bra.
Santana: Those are your nipples.

Sugar: It's true. You guys sucked ass.
Rachel: I'm sorry, and you are?
Sugar: I'm Sugar Motta, and I have self diagnosed aspergers, so I can pretty much say whatever I want. I'm like a diplomat's daughter.
Schue: How can we help you Sugar?
Sugar: Here's the deal. I'm awesome. And I wanna be a big star. And when I saw you guys singing and dancing in the cafeteria, I thought "I'm so much better than you." Sorry... Aspergers!

Sugar: Get ready to taste some serious ear candy. Hit it hottie.

Kurt: You realize we just did the gay high five?
Rachel: Yeah we did!

Sugar: Obviously your ears are busted because I worked that song like a hooker pole.

Sugar: You know what?! Who cares what you think! Hmm? Nobody! You're a washed up Broadway wannabe who's stuck in Lima and has led the Glee club to how many National wins? Oh, I'm sorry, zero! NOT Aspergers!

Santana: Actually doorknob, that was an act of political protest.

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Episode 3x02: "I Am Unicorn"

Brittany: Ok, I really wanna run your campaign for president. Out of all the kids in this school, you are the biggest unicorn.
Kurt: I'm sorry?
Brittany: Well, when a pony does a good deed, he gets a horn and he... he becomes a unicorn, and he poops out cotton candy, until he forgets he's magical. And then his horn falls off. And, black unicorns, they become zebras.
Kurt: Oh, that's a terrifying story.
Brittany: No it's not. No. Okay, no. The point is, is that a unicorn is somebody who knows their magical and isn't afraid to show it. You went through Hell last year, and you never forgot how special you were. And I've slept with a lot of people, and I'm really popular, so I think I could get you mega-votes.

Teacher: What's the capital of Ohio? Brittany?
Brittany: 'O'
Teacher: What? Do you even know who the president is?
Brittany: Will.I.Am.

Schue: So they fired Dustin Gooslsby.
Artie: So handsome.

Schue: Now, it's not for all of you. Just the people that I think need help. Like...
Finn: Finn?
Schue: How did you know? And Puckerman. Hummel.
Kurt: I must protest.
Mike: You kind of have one move Kurt. It's like this.. chassé... and it's super distracting.
Schue: Jones.
Mercedes: What? Hell to the nizzy-no.

Beiste: In college I was in "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum". I played the Forum.

Rachel: Oh Mr. Schue, I'm honored, but Barbara was 40 when she directed herself in Yentl, so it's just... It's too soon.
Brittany: I hate you.

Al Motta: My Sugar's a supernova, Figgy!
Figgins: You have a deal. Mrs. Denny Brown, Mr. Motta has just ended our toilet paper shortage with this enormous check! Wipe away!

Quinn: Give us your lunch money.
Ronnie: We're hungry, we need something to barf back up.
Sheila: Don't test me... I was a foster kid, which means I'm used to stabbin' people. (Pulls out a spoon.)

Quinn: I've realized that after smoking all day, it hurts to stand.

Brittany: K... We're gonna make 100,000 copies of each poster. And then, we'll give each student a swag bag full of this... we're gonna call it "Kurt Hummel's Buldging Pink Fun Sack".

Kurt: I feel like I should have a sign over my head that says "Gay diddy Gay Gay-gay-g-gay!"

Mercedes: Listen Mr. Schue, I'm all for participating, but Shane says I'm more of a "Park 'n Bark" and I tend to agree.
Finn: A what and what?
Mercedes: "Park 'n Bark" - I stand center-stage singing the notes no one else can, while all of you guys dance around me.

Puck: I. Am. In. Hell!

Becky (To Schue): That was really sexy.

Puck: Here's a drug test. See? Totally clean. I also haven't had a drink since we talked... besides for beer. I even did some homework. Turns out Napoleon - not just a dessert, he was a real dude!

Artie: Kurt was awesome.
Beiste: No question. He owned that song like it was his prison bitch! My thing is Tony is supposed to be from the streets. He's the leader of the Jets. An alpha-gang member. I look at Kurt and I don't believe it...

Emma: If I were Maria, I'd love to be held in Kurt's toothpick arms on my fire escape.
Beiste: Listen, I love the kid, but I want a Tony that excites my lady parts.

Kurt: This is NOT the poster we agreed on!
Brittany: The poster that you wanted gave me crippling depression.
Kurt: I wanted something toned down!
Santana: This is toned down. In the original the unicorn was riding you.

Shelby: Do you hear the difference?
Sugar: Yeah... I sound good. You know, why don't you take the day off? I need to catch up on my Strange Addiction episodes, and you kind of have this irritating nasally quality that I can only take so much of... Sorry. Aspergers.

Burt: Dude, you're gay.
Kurt: Excuse me?
Burt: You're gay. And not like Rock Hudson gay, you're really gay. You sing like Dianna Ross and you dress like you own a magic chocolate factory.
Kurt: Okay, why are you being so mean to me?

Kurt: I'm just tired of being a unicorn, Dad.
Burt: You know what they call a unicorn without a horn? A freakin' horse.

Schue: Do you eat a whole chicken every day?
Beiste: I eat a whole chicken at every meal.

Sue: Well hello She Hulk! Weepy the Vest Clown.
Schue: Good one.
Sue: And Little Miss Golden Marmaset. It's a Brazilian mokey. And seriously, it's your spitten image. I'munna send you a photo! Are you still at Freakish Bony Ginger at Gmail?

Brittany: I'm also a unicorn... Maybe a bicorn. Either way, I'm starting to believe in my own magic.

Artie: Woo! I SO wanna give you a standing ovation right now.

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Episode 3x03: "Asian F"

Will: You're late.
Mercedes: I know. I-I overslept.
Quinn: It's 4:30 in the afternoon.

Santana: I've resworn my allegiance to the Glee Club... without telling Coach Sue.

Santana: Why are you babying her? I mean she can't do three steps without puking cuz she ate a Quiznos before she showed up in this joint.

(Will found Emma's secret stash of Wedding Magazines.)
Will: But because I don't like secrets, I thought I'd share my secret stash with you.
(Emma opens up box & looks surprised.)
Will: I was a bachelor for over a year. It kept me off of Craigslist...

Figgins: Tina Cohen Chang and her vampire ways have no place in this school.

Beiste: Alright, listen up ladies... Number 1: Kicked a fire hydrant when I found out "Ace of Cakes" was cancelled - Hence... the crutches. Number 2... So watch yourselves. That includes your Bat Caves (points to nose), and your bramble patches (points to groin).

Beiste: Ballet improves your coordination. It boosts your IQ. And it gets half of the NFL on "Dancing With the Stars"... BOOYAH!

Santana: Nice blouse Hummel. Really brings out the color of your pink eye.

Brittany (To Rachel): Oh, so you're cool with flushing McKinley High's future down the magical poop stealing water chair?
Santana (To Rachel): Did you know that in six years at this school we've only exclusively had male student counsil presidents? And yeah, Kurt looks like Jimmy Fallon's butch daughter, but a vote for him would only empower yet another frank and beans.

Beiste: I thought Berry had it in the bag. But then stealth attack Jones came in and just... pancaked me emotionally!

Shelby (To Beiste): Enjoy your enormous bowl of disgusting creamy pasta.

Beiste (With mouth full of pasta): Did you know Breadstix delivers? It's awesome!

Emma's Mom: Is that my little freaky deaky?

Emma: My parents are ginger supremacists.

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Episode 3x04: "The First Time"

Artie: You see this face? This is what enlightenment looks like. It doesn't matter if he's in prison like Ghandi, or trapped inside a woman's body like Chazz Bono. Or, stuck in a wheel chair like me. When a man finds his calling, all is right in this world. I still love performing but, thanks to Mr. Schue and the school musical, I finally discovered my true passion: Bossing everyone around... I mean directing. The key to being a director is to have opinions about everything... Even stuff you have no idea about...

Artie: Look, I remember my first time with Brittany... the excitement, the way it made me feel like a man... even though she called me the wrong name like... four times... during and after.

Artie: Look, as your friend I support your strange aversions to fun, but as your director, I'm concerned.

Blaine: Uh, yeah but that's what they invented masturbation...
Kurt: It's so hot in this room. Can we open up a window?

Blaine: Besides tearing off all of your clothes is kind of a tall order.
Kurt: Because of the layers?
Blaine: Because of the layers.

Beiste: Man, I to weld.
Artie: Clearly. Coach, I'm concerned. Why did you run out of the room the other day when we started talking about S.E.X?
Beiste: Artie, this conversation is totally inappropriate.
Artie: Wait... have you never...? Why? Have you just never found the right... person?
Beiste: Guy. I like guys. And no I haven't found him...

Cooter: You're a hell of a coach, Coach. So much talent. Well I'm famished. Wanna go get some lunch?
Beiste: Nah. But you can have the rest of my chili. There's nothin' left but gristle and a few beans, but it eats pretty good!

Finn: Hey dude, uh, I have a question for you.
Puck: I thought they were my sneakers.
Finn: What?
Puck: What?
Finn: No, no, look I figured that since you had some more experience than I do, maybe you could recommend a brand of condoms.
Puck: Are you cheating on Rachel, dude? Cuz if you are that is not cool. And that's coming from me.
Finn: No, I want to use them with Rachel.
Puck: Oh. I'm happy for you dude. And her. I always thought it'd be me. But I secretly hoped it'd be you. As for the condoms, no idea. Never used 'em. Worked out for me about 99% of the time.

Blaine: Do you think we're too sheltered as artists? I'm serious. West Side Story is all about living outside of your safe little world. Don't you want to wake up every day and be adventures? Experience everything in life you can?
Kurt: Of course. That's why I made a bucket list. K. You ready for this?
Blaine: Ok.
Kurt: K. Here we go. #87: Become CEO of Logo.
Blaine: Of course.
Kurt: #63: Aw. Lay a rose at the birth place of Noel Coward. And okay! #5... Oh right. This one's really embarrassing. I wrote this before I met you: have relations on a dewey meadow of lialac with Taylor Lautner before he gets fat. Ah. I know I know. It's stupid. It's stupid.

Artie: Excuse me Mr. Cooter? I'm Artie Abrams. Can I see you in my office? It's important.
Cooter: You don't mean in the handicap stall do you?
Artie: Uhh. No. That is hilarious.
Cooter: You don't mean the handicap stall do you?

Rachel: Mm. That was amazing. I've never had meat substitue before that tasted that much like real meat.
Finn (Looking surprised): Of course. Because you're a vegan. Which I remember. Because we know each other so well. More sparkling cider?!

Santana: I also... think that you should wait. Speaking from experience, Finn is terrible in bed.
Tina: Santana that is not cool.
Santana: Well what? If Rachel wants my sloppy seconds, she should at least know the truth. Look, it was like being smothered by a sweaty, out of breath sack of potatos that someone soaked in body spray.
Brittany: I lost my virginity at cheerleading camp. He just... climbed into my tent. Alien invasion.

Kurt: Look at all the glamourous drag queens... Look there's Cher. And Tina Turner. And uh. Um. is that Lucy? Or Reba?
Blaine: That is... Ginger from Gilligan's Island.

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Episode 3x06: "Mash-Off"

Puck: It's happened. The Lion King, Puckfasa has been caged. I've been in love before but this time it feels different. This time feels grown up. Don't judge me, I'm eighteen, it's legal. Besides the age difference isn't that crazy, just look at Ashton and Demi, Indiana Jones and Ally McBeal, Woody Allen and that Chinese girl. I get that teacher-student relationships are tricky but aren't all relationships? I'm willing to put in the work for this one. When she looks at me, I don't feel like a boy anymore, I feel like the man that I've always wanted to be…a family man.

Puck: I live for fourth period. Shelby's been subbing for Mr. Clippenger in geometry ever since he ate that bad cantaloupe. I know I'm supposed to be learning about grammars and stuff but all I can think about is what color underwear Miss C is wearing and if she knows how to dance.

Sue (Voiceover during Campaign Commercial): Burt Hummel, he's running for congress. Last year he has a heart attack, he might have had a heart transplant and he might have got it from a baboon. Baboons are dangerous killers who throw their own feces when they're not tearing off people's faces, they're admiring their own weird butts. Congress is bad enough. If Burt Hummel thinks what Washington needs is more baboon parts, then he needs a brain transplant. Watch out baboons, Burt Hummel and his baboon heart: Wrong on the issues, wrong for Ohio. I'm Sue Sylvester, I have a human heart and I approve this message.

Brittany: Yo fellow Americans! Okay listen, a vote for Brittany is a vote for root beer water fountains and robot teachers. And also listen, Rachel Berry's still on Myspace and that's not fit to lead.

Sue: It doesn't matter. Brittany's got their attention and you're playing all nice campaigning for a salad bar in the cafeteria. It's boring, it's tired, it's not gonna get ya elected.
Kurt: Well obesity is a huge problem at this school.
Sue: Especially in the Glee club.

Sue: You know why I fight dirty? Because I'm fighting for something. I have a cause, several actually. I hate the arts...and a bunch of other stuff. If you wanna win, find yourself a cause my friend, then start flinging poo. Winning is really about poo flingin'.

Santana: Oh let me guess, he wants to combine choirs for Sectionals. Well, it's not gonna happen. The Troubletones are here to stay. So why don't you shuffle your busted choir off our stage?
Finn: Look, you guys, we can compete without being enemies. Alright, we don't have to get vicious.
Santana: Oh, I think we do, Soft Serve. See the Troubletones are three F: fierce, femme, phenomenal - oh and guys! Hurry up, go get some moist towels! We have to keep Finn wet before we can roll him back in the sea.
Rachel: Okay, ya know what Santana? Finn is in great shape and your meanness only highlights your own personal insecurities.
Santana: And Rachel, your mustache is thicker than a middle eastern dictator's.

Puck: I made a list of reasons we should be together. Number 1: You're hot; number 2: I'm hot; number 3: Beth needs a dad.

Rory: Thanks a lot Finn. I just want you to know I have your back. Like when that girl with the lips was saying you looked like a whale, I wanted to tell her that I think you look fine.
Finn: I'm just sick of her talking smack about me, ya know? Have you ever heard of the term trash talk?
Rory: Is that when you discuss trash?
Finn: Um, no. In sports, it's when one play insults another to try and get them off their game and Santana's trying to demean us to get inside of our heads so that we remain losers. Well, it's time to start getting inside of hers.
Santana: Hey there, Orca!
Finn: Hey Santana! You look like an assless J-Lo.
Rory: You're skinny like all the crops failed on your family's farm.
Santana: That is the lamest thing I didn't understand a word of.
Brittany: Not one word.
Santana: Was that really all that you can come up with? You seriously think that you can out insult me? I'm from Lima Heights, I was raised on insults. It's how mi abuela put me to sleep at night and she is not a nice lady. Ya know she tried to sell me once? And it wasn't until I got to Kindergarten that I learned my name wasn't Garbageface.

Rory: Excuse me, I've never heard of this game of dodging balls before, what's the rules?
Puck: Don't. Die.

Mercedes: Ladies…vocal warmups can wait. Now, I was up half the night thinking about our mash-up for the mash off and it came to me: Adele.
Sugar: I sound just like her!
Brittany: Dude, I love her! She sounds like what banana cream pie sounds like when it sings.

Brittany (To Santana):
Stoooopp the viiiiiiolence

Santana: Tubs! Can I talk to you for a second?
Rory: Hey, listen here, you can't make fun of Finn anymore.
Santana (To Rory): Shut your potato hole, I'm here to apologize. (To Finn): Rachel was right, I haven't been fair to you. You're not fat. I should know, I slept with you. I mean, at some point I must've liked that you looked like a taco addict who's had one too many back alley liposuctions.
Rory: Whoa.
Santana (To Rory): Please stick a sock in it or ship yourself back to Scotland. I'm trying to apologize to Lumps the Clown. (To Finn): I am sorry, Finn. I'm mean really I'm sorry that the New Directions are gonna get crushed by the Troubletones. I'm also sorry that you have no talent. Sorry that you sing like you're getting you prostate checked and you dance like you've been asleep for YEARS and someone just woke you up. Have fun riding on Rachel's coat tails for the rest of your life, although, ya know what, I would just watch out for her come holiday time if I were him because if I were her I'd stick a stint in one of those boobs and let the Finn blubber light the Hanukah lamp for 8 magical nights.

Sue (Voiceover during Campaign Commercial): Sue's second campaign commercial: Burt Hummel claims he doesn't have a baboon heart. He also claims he isn't married to a donkey. Well, which is it Burt Hummel, baboon heart or donkey bride? Donkey's have no place in politics. They bite off children's fingers and pee absolutely anywhere. Do we really need another Washington politician married to a pack animal? Don't let Burt Hummel make an ass out of you Ohio. I'm Sue Sylvester and it's not personal.

Sue: I set the tone for this campaign and I'm afraid my slanderous chickens have come home to roost.

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Episode 3x07: "Kissed A Girl"

Santana: Here's what you have to understand, I didn't do it.
Will: We all saw what happened, you slapped Finn in the face, unprovoked.
Santana: No, see, you don't get it. When I get really pissed off, Santana gets taken over by my other evil her Snix. Her wrath of words is called Snix Juice. I'm kind of like the Incredible Hulk, you can't blame me anything Snix does.

Santana: This is garbage! Hamburgalar Finn is fine.

Rachel: Nobody cares. They're all so lost in their own worlds that they can't see how important this is to me! Elections have consequences and the consequence of Brittany winning the election is that I'll have to move to New York without my best gay! What if I need an emergency makeover or a last minute soufflé?
Kurt: What's the point? I'm gonna lose unless I pull a JFK.
Rachel: You're gonna shoot Brittany!?

Kurt: I have Kennedy's impeccable hairline.
Rachel: I know.

Finn: This week, the Troubletones and New Directions will both be singing music created by ladies and for ladies.
Santana: Oh, hell no.
Finn: Next week, all of us will be going to Sectionals and one of us is probably gonna win. But Santana, we're worried about you.
Santana: Worry about yourself, fetus face.

Blaine: Santana, Kurt and I have a song we like to sing to each other in the car and we want to sing that for you right now.
Santana: Well, there's nothing I'd love more than having two pretty ponies serenade me I think we'd get further staging a gel-ervention for Blaine than singing lady music.
Kurt: I know it's hard. It was hard for me too. But you can get through this.
Blaine: If you would just stop being so defensive.
Santana: I'm trying…but your hideous bow ties are provoking me.

Puck: Wait, are we talking lady on lady or girl on girl because there's a BIG difference?

Santana (After Kurt & Blaine sing "Perfect"): Thank you guys, thank you Finn, especially. Ya know, with all the horrible crap I've been through in my life…now I get to add that.

Sue (Voiceover): Dear Journal, my campaign is in crisis. Polls have me neck in neck with Reggie "The Sauce" Salazar and his ad is set to run any day now. Why would someone assume I'm a friend of Ellen just because I'm mannish and highly aggressive and have short hair and I only wear track suits and I coach a girl's sport and I married myself? It just doesn't make sense! The truth is, journal, I'm attracted to men! Sure, I can't stand watching the meat or talking to them but when it comes to getting' sexy, this gal's got a hole in her heart that only a fella can fill. Salazar's ad will put my campaign on life support. If I wanna win this race, I need 20 CC's of man candy, STAT. So which one of my hookups is ready for a prime time photo op? Dan Quayle: too needy. Stephen Baldwin: train wreck. Oliver North: biter. Matt Lauer: too much crying. Johnnie Cochran..pretty sure he's dead. Eureka! That's the kinda guy I need. Better luck next time, David Boreanaz, Sue Sylvester's found her man.

Emma: What is that animal you appear to be so noisily enjoying?
Beiste: A chicken, stuffed in a duck, jammed in a turkey…a Turducken. I's like a barnyard in a bite.
Emma: Wow.
Beiste: Been exhausted lately and I'm trying to eat as much protein as I can to keep up my strength.
Will: Why are you so tired?
Beiste: I've been working hard as the student election advisor and my nights have been much more..well, busier lately.
Will: Oh, if you need help with anything, just let us know.
Beiste: I could use some help counting the election ballots.
Will: Mmhmm.
Beiste: My quadriceps have been trembling like jelly all day. Cooter really pushed me to my limit last night.
Emma: Soo...I take it things are going well between you and Mr. Menkins?
Beiste: Last night, Cooter asked me to do something I never imagined I'd be doing.
(Cut to weight room)
Cooter: You think you can handle this, Shannon?
Beiste: Give it to me, Cooter.

Puck: That was for you...(looks at Shelby)...Santana. Yeah, I know I was just part of a phase but whatever, happy to oblige. Always.

Puck: Look, I was into you pretty hard a couple years ago 'cause you were hot like a pixie and I thought you were pretty much cooler than every other girl in the school but turns you, you're kinda nuts. You're higher maintenance than Berry and pretty much the most selfish person I've ever met in my life, so, thanks for the offer but I'd rather rawdog a beehive.

Beiste: Hey Cooter, what are you doing here?
Cooter: Oh hey Coach, just uh..grabbin' some dinner with Sue here.
Sue: Well excuse me, Blueto, but I'm on a date with my man enjoying some disgusting creamy pasta and phoners with several major media outlets. So why don't you just hurry onto your next face widening session at the John Travolta Institute for Head Thickening and Facial Weight Gain.
Beiste: You're on a date?
Cooter: Well... yeah... I guess.
Sue: Listen, home perm, Cooter's been my regular booty call since the late 1990s. Oh! My iPhone 5 is vibrating. It's a new feature of the iPhone 5, they vibrate now. And I have to take this, it's a reporter from USA Today. Newspaper for people who can't read.

Cooter: Last time I said to myself, 'Dang it, Coot. You just gotta make a move.' And so I tried to hold your hand and you punched me.
Beiste: It was a reflex! I thought you were trying to steal my class ring!

Rugby Douche: Saw the commercial... smokin'!
Santana: Who the hell are you?
Rugby Douche: Josh Coleman - sophomore rugby captain. Girls like you are a challenge you just need the right guy to straighten you out and I'm just the man to do it.
Mercedes: Move your busted, creeper ass...
Rugby Douche: Easy girls, I'm just trying to make her normal.
Brittany: She is normal.
Quinn: It's not a choice, idiot. But even if it were, you'd be our last choice.
Rugby Douche: Oh, I get it, you're all a bunch of lesbos.
Rachel: Ugh, so what if we are? You don't stand a chance either way. Buh-bye..walk away!

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